Full Benefit*
I recently uploaded this piece below to my LinkedIn account. One of the most intriguing facets of narcissistic abuse, for me, is the abuser’s compulsion to ruin holidays and special occasions. I’ve written on this platform about my experiences with this - see the essay Five Boxes of Light below - which describes how, in recovery from an abuse relationship, I am treating myself in ways that make up for the losses I endured on special occasions.
The LinkedIn post was inspired by a client of mine questioning how they can limit abuse by a family member over the holiday period. I was delighted to get this question, not only because this person was seeking to enforce boundaries protecting their health, but because I am receiving this question ever earlier with each passing year.
Survivors of abuse are now actively planning weeks if not months out how to protect themselves, and this is wonderful for me to hear, because subtle forms of abuse - and, of course, very unsubtle forms of abuse - such as coercive control, demeaning comments, compliments with barbs, “big” gifts or “under-gifting”, can be features of our lives way before the end of year holidays.
My clients are already preparing for Thanksgiving, and that warms the cockles of my Irish heart!
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I get this question earlier and earlier each year, but I welcome that: how do I survive the holidays with my narcissistic spouse / partner / family member / colleague, or boss? Of course, there is no one way to handle these situations that applies across the board, but there are ways in which you can limit the impacts of an abusive relationship this next several weeks, as we gather together into New Year and beyond.
I’ve linked below to a resource I share a great deal at this time, a YouTube mashup by Dr Ramani Durvasula in which she suggests several strategies for surviving the holidays with an emotionally abusive other (the same strategies apply for any subtype of abuse). Depending on your situation, not all strategies will work: for instance, if you’re still married and living with the abusive party, well, completely cutting that person out of your life during the holidays is impractical. The same applies if you are co-parenting with an abuser. And if you have recently left a relationship with an abusive other, there is the possibility that they will call, text, or arrive unexpectedly at your door (see below about these wonderful “surprises”!) if they’re feeling lonely, such as the narcissist needing to “hoover” some supply.
And a lonely, belligerent, and abusive individual is a potential physical threat also, particularly if they have consumed alcohol.
Narcissists love to ruin holidays, particularly those celebrated by a spouse or partner. They can’t tolerate not being the centre of attention, and they will engineer ways to become so.
They might buy the biggest, grandest gift imaginable - which they will hope you open in front of *everyone*! - because this brings attention to them. Or they might “under-buy,” this being a not-so-subtle way to indicate just how little you mean to them. They also frequently regift items, or even give you something they already gifted you a year or two previous. These latter strategies are used to belittle and humiliate you, and to ruin your day entirely.
Below are several broad strategies you can employ, whether you are still connected with the narcissist in some way, or not:
- Impose and monitor boundaries;
- resist any attempts at hoovering;
- try to avoid being in the same location as a drunk abuser (very, very important);
- employ devices such as fake alarms - “Oh, dad has just called! I better go help him carve the Brussels sprouts into tulip shapes!”;
- try if you can to make gift exchanges a private affair;
- break up family time into tolerable chunks, such as two days in Hell, Michigan with your narcissistic father, then five days jumping hexagons at the Giant’s Causeway in the north of Ireland (bliss, let me tell you!);
- spend time alone; silence heals, space heals. This is an entirely viable response post trauma, and every Ferrero Rocher is yours, goddamit!
And, lastly, expect the unexpected, because narcissists - and abusers in general - absolutely love surprises.
Happy holidays!
Dr Ramani Durvasula on surviving holidays with an abuser: https://lnkd.in/eXzrDGSE
*The saying “Full Benefit” is a Navy SEAL mentality that encourages individuals to view adversity as an opportunity for growth, learning, and improvement.